Terrifying Tag Team Tuesday

In honor of the spookiest time of year (no not Grandma's bath date, Halloween idiot) I have compiled a terrifying list of tag teams that will make the bravest of men scream like Corey at a N'Sync concert. We all know the single most scary thing comes from the mouth of Charlie "sofa-king-we-tar-did" Manuel at a post-game press conference, but the list that follows runs a close 2nd to our bumbling moron of a manager, so don't be too frightened and proceed with caution.

Bell & Nunez- this is one devious duo that I want no part of. Just imagine if Gillick went and signed the "veteran winner, that does all the little things right" again to another disheartening 4 year contract and had him platoon with the hitless wonder. Bell is WSBGM's favorite targeted hiney-hopping-h-mo and Nuni is the worst excuse for a hitter (.211 avg./.577 OPS) since Jose Canseco tried to make his upteenth-million comeback...scary stuff! I'd rather have the ghost of Rick Schu manning the hot corner (wait, is he even dead?).

_________________________________

Floyd & Madson- who would like this to be the backend of the rotation in 2007? Not me! In fact I never want Gavin "Headcase" Floyd to pitch in a Phillies uniform again with that pitiful "deer caught in headlights" gaze. Madson is almost just as bad with his 5.69 ERA and 1.68 WHIP...disgusting! If these two were to be relied on in any capacity in 2007, we're looking at another long season. I'd prefer the spirit of Cory Lidle in the rotation instead.

________________________________

Rhodes & Franklin- they are both free agents, but what if Gillick tossed them a line and got them on the hook for another treacherous season. Rhodes had a very haunting 5.32 ERA and 1.69 WHIP and Franklin had a knack for serving up the long ball in the most inopportune times. The day Ryan Franklin was signed Richie Ashburn rolled over in his grave, and the countless ugly displays of pitching by Rhodes made Tug McGraw want to return from the crypt and pitch in the Phils bullpen.

What potential tag team is the most terrifying? Bell/Nunez Floyd/Madson Rhodes/Franklin    Free polls from Pollhost.com

~Carson

Haro, my name is Akinori...

From mlbtraderumors.com: 27 year-old Japanese third baseman Akinori Iwamura is being pursued by both the Phillies and the Indians. (The Indians!?!? Yeah, their Japanese imports made quite an impact. See below.) Pat Gillick mentioned that he has a lot of interest in Iwamura to play third for the Phils. You may recall that Gillick imported Ichiro back when he was GM of the Mariners. Another convenient factor is that manager Charlie Manuel has played in Japan before (picture proof below.) Manuel played for the Kintetsu Buffaloes and Iwamura's current team, the Yacult Swallows (I have to meet this Yacult person...)

First things first, what will it take to get Iwamura? Well, the Phils would have to win the bidding for the rights to negotiate with Iwamura, for which I've read varying estimates on the 'net, with some as high as $10 million. I'm guessing his posting fee is around $5 mil with an annual salary of close to that per year (Johjima got a little over $5 mil a year for 3 years, as a comparison.)

Next, if the Phils would get Iwamura, exactly what the hell are they getting. He's a 27 year old 3B/2B who's last three years in the Japanese league look like this: .300-44-103, .319-30-102, .309-32-77. He slugged between .540-.580, got on-base around .380, and had a 2 to 1 K:BB ratio. He also is reportedly a "gold glove" caliber 3B. Of course, Bobby Abreu and Derek Jeter both have gold gloves, so I don't know if that is a good attribute or not. Compared to other Japanese imports, his power numbers are better than Tadahito Iguchi and slightly less than Kenji Johjima. Both those players seem to be solid .280-20-70 players in the majors. But to say Iwamura would put up those numbers is slightly more complicated and less predictable than that. Just ask the Mets, Kaz Matsui's power went from 30 homers in Japan to 3 in Colorado. Ouch.

It is definately a risk. But if the Phils can't get A-Ram, I wouldn't mind seeing the Phils take this kind of gamble, if only to see the Phils be pro-active, rather than no-active. It's like seeing a little kid try to walk and fall flat on his face. Sure, he may just broken his tiny little nose, but at least he isn't that little fat kid who's to busy eating potato chips to even try (Ed Wade was that kid, except he wasn't fat, he just looked like a scrotum.) The worst thing that can happen is they find out he did Japanese gay porn....or that he is the Japanese Danny Tartabull. Danny-son!!!

Corey

I acutally found a Tartabull Phillies pic!

Diff'rent Strokes

The homerun is a splendid spectacle for fans. I love watching a long drive over the center field fence, a blast into the upperdeck, a round-tripper dumped in the stands, a rocket sent into orbit, or a laser boring a hole through some poor fan. How each individual player accomplishes this act is as diverse as a New York City high school. Different strokes equal different pokes. Just ask Corey, his is short and quick with little power.

Ryan Howard's stroke is one of prodigious power, as evident by his 58 homers last season. Watching the Blaster Master bat gives the viewer a feeling of exciting anticipation and thrill. The ball explodes from his bat when he hits it and his ability to knock it out to all fields is simply awesome. I am very content to have him playing for the Phillies for the foreseeable future. He is a centerpiece for this organization, and will play a significant role in making the Phils a perennial playoff caliber team. He has the capacity to alter games in Bonds-esque proportions.
_________________________________

Chase Utley's stroke is quick and mighty. Utley has swiftly become the best 2nd baseman in baseball. Last season Utley chased 32 balls over the fence. Utley plays the game with a passion that fans love and he wears his heart on his sleeve. When Utley comes into the batters' box you are about to observe something of high intensity. I would love for Howard and Utley (aka Legion of Doom) to collectively smack 100+ homeruns next season, and believe it or not with these two it's possible.
_________________________________

Pat Burrell's stroke is long, unbalanced, but strong. His swing may look ugly on low and away sliders or even on fastballs right down the middle, but he still has the knack to hit the ball with authority. Burrell hit 29 bombs last season. Predicting when Pat will hit one out is like betting on who the next rapper to be shot is, you know it will happen just not when. I still like Burrell and think if healthy can return to 30+ homerun seasons with a better batting average, but that stroke will always remain an uneven lunge.
_________________________________

Jimmy Rollins' stroke is an oxymoron because of it's aptitude to be both upsetting and pleasurable at the same time. J-Roll has little-man syndrome, where as he is small but tries to play big. We have all suffered through the Jimmy pop-up circus where he can't seem to hit anything that isn't a lazy fly ball. This past season, he managed to start to make those lazy fly balls carry a bit further...over the fence that is. Jimmy jacked 25 from the leadoff spot in the order, which leads to me to think he shouldn't be batting leadoff, but that's an entirely different debate. Bottom line Jimmy is a solid all-around athlete that discovered his power stroke and will probably continue to hit somewhere in the neighborhood of 20 for the next few seasons...good stuff from a shortstop.

All together this fearsome foursome thumped 144 homeruns last season. They all have a unique style of their own and will continue to delight fans with their slugging strokes. Jenna Jameson's stroke on the other hand is an unequivocally different distinctive thing of exquisiteness altogether.

~Carson

Halloween Poll

Long one today kids, pack a snack...

Halloween is good for lots of things. When you are a little kid, it's the candy. When you're an adolescent, it is acting horribly inapproppriate (vandalizing, destroying, stealing, beating up fat kids) and getting away with it just because it's a holiday. In adulthood, the candy thing comes around again. So, in honor of the greatness that is Halloween, this Saturday's Poll is dedicated the time honored tradition of Trick or Treat. Personally, my favorite treat is a case of Guinness and a cheesecake, and my favorite trick is this little Puerto Rican number that works 2nd street down in New Kensington. But forget about me, this a Phillies blog (mostly) and we here at WSBGM's want to know: In modern Phillies history (last 20 years), what is you favorite Phillies treat(something good,) and you're least favorite Phillies trick(something bad.) (Note: I'm excluding Free Agent signings, because that is a future poll and needs much more attention). Here are your choices:

Trick:

1) Joe Carter - by himself, Carter isn't a bad guy. Hell, he wasn't even the best player for Toronto that series. Spitty McAlomar hit .480, Paul Molitor hit an even .500 (FYI - cancer survivor and Carson punching-bag John Olerud hit only .235.) However, that SOB Joe Carter hit the game winning homer, crushing Phillies nation. Carson still cries when he sees the hilights. That moment, and that player, epitomize that series. For that reason, he has to be the biggest Trick in recent Phillies history. I won't even put picture of Carter playing baseball on this blog, so here is a snap of him satisfying some jungle fever.

2) Charlie Manuel - file this one under gratuitous. I don't really think Charlie Manuel is that bad. Of course, I also think Helen Keller would be able to utilize the bullpen better. No, I just haven't said anything negative about Ol' Chuck in the last 8 or 9 days. Does anybody else think a young Charlie Manuel may have had a lot in common with Ralph Wiggum? Ehh, like I said, purely gratuitous and unneccessary, but it made me laugh, and that's kind of what I'm after here.


3) Ed Wade - if anyone can give Joe Carter and losing a World Series a run, it's Ed "Mutha-Freakin" Wade. Every time I see a picture of this guy, I want to vomit. I don't know if it is because not since Gary Gaetti has a face looked so much like a scrotum or because of his complete inability to make a decent trade or free-agent signing for 7 years (except Jim Thome.) Either way, he's human ipecac.

1st Round Picks - to be fair, some good talent was taken by the Phillies recently - Drew, Burrell, Myers Utley, then Hamels two years later - but before and after things have been sketchy at best. '92 through '96 sucked big time, I wish I could blame Ed wade for this. How do these names sound: Reggie Taylor, Gavin Floyd, Carlton Loewer, Wayne Gomes, Adam Eaton, Chad Mcconnell. Who could the Phils have taken with these picks? How about Johhny Damon, Jason Kendall, Billy Wagner, Derrek Lee, Chris Carpenter, Toriiii Hunter, Jason Varitek, Roy Hallady or the great Jermaine Allensworth. [I know, it's the draft, it's VERRRRRRY unpredictable...I don't care, the "what if" game is fun.]

Worst Trick Joe Carter Charlie R-Tard Ed Wade 1st Rounders

Treat:

1) '93 Phils - There is a whole book dedicated to these dudes, so there isn't much I have to say. Mullets, hot dogs, World Series, beer, hustle, dedication, fire, passion, one-nut first basemen, crazy space traveling catchers, steroid-using car-wash-owning centerfielders, platoons... Delicious.

2) Young Talent - Howard, Utley, Hamels - this group of players has given the Phaithful hope. It is hard to find negative things to say about these players, and honestly, the Phillies have not had players this good since Mike Schmidt. I don't mean to start another Abreu arguement here, but as good as he was and as great as people think he was, he NEVER EVER had two seasons as good as Utley's last two, and never got close to Howard numbers. These players make the next few years of Phillies baseball something to anticipate.

3) The Vet - some people might view the Vet as a trick. "The Cit is great," those people might say. But not me. The Cit is okay, but it pales in comparison to similar new-retro ballparks (PNC, Camden, the Jake, AT&T...) and it is a quite a bit more stuffy and unfriendly compared to the Vet. During college, I spent many afternoons and evenings during college sitting in the 700 level (713 to be exact) shirtless, completely hammered, dipping Wintergreen Skoal (the ONLY time I would ever dip Skoal), watching my buddies smoke cigarettes and ganja. Could you do that at the Cit? No. Ashburn Alley? A shoe shaped like a slide? Bull's Bar-B-Q? The Schmidter? Please, get rid of that crap, add another 10 thousand seats where men can be animals...like it used to be.

4) Wilfredo Laureano - Wilfredo finished the year 6-3 with a 4.10 ERA in the South Atlantic League. Not impressed by those numbers? Well, how about if I reminded you that Wilfredo is the player acquired for H-Mo Bell? See, those numbers look better already. Wilfredo could never pitch an inning in a Phillies uniform, and he still will be thought of fondly here at WSBGM's. The day that fairy was traded ranks right up there with "trade deadline day" in terms of excitement. That day shall never be forgotten. Viva Wilfredo Laureano !!!

5) Harry & Whitey - "Swing...and a long drive, watch this baby, way outta here!" That sounds great, but I could listen to Harry Kalas read the phone book. Phillie fans have been lucky enough to have Harry calling the games since 1971. Even luckier, fans got to listen to the Harry and Whitey combo for 27 years! Harry's smooth delivery and whiskey-soaked baritone voice delivered play-by-play, while Richie Ashburn puffed on a pipe and every once in a while gave some game commentary. Whitey never stopped being a fan of the Phils, and was never shy in showing his pleasure or displeasure with the events on the field. All Philly fans should have fond memories of these times...

Best Treat '93 Phils Young Talent The Vet Wildredo Laureano Harry & Whitey

Go Penn State!

Corey

Phillies Phlashback Phridays: Gregg Jefferies

Not all memories are good memories, Gregg Jefferies being a prime example. Jefferies was much like the Phillies of the mid to late 90's...lackluster, unspectacular, insignificant. He was a Phillie from 95-98, and the thing I remember most about him was his hissy-fits. Every time he made an out, he would throw a bat, slam a helmet, curse someone out (many times himself), beat up the Phanactic, or roughly fondle himself. Why am I being so tough on him...he signed a 4 year 20 million dollar contract, big money back then. That makes Pat Burrell look like a bargain. Why the hell the Phillies signed him to such a preposterous deal is beyond me. It's not like Gregg was a top-shelf free agent that was going to help turn a piss-poor organization around, rather he hampered them.

Over his 4 year stay in Philly he hit 37 homeruns (less than 10 per season avg.), scored 261 runs (65 avg.), and drove in 203 runs (50 avg). He had a decent batting average, but had no power and limited walks. Therefore, those are really bad stats for a guy splitting time in left field and first base. Fellow goofy helmet wearing R-Tard John Olerud even managed to muscle up more than Jefferies...those damn helmets are just fricken heinous! Why do I punish myself and the readers of this blog with such odious "phlashbacks"? We must be aware of where we've come from in order to see where we're going, even if it means remembering butt-bags like Gregg Jefferies.
____________________________________________

Phillies Phastphorward Phriday: Aramis Ramirez

I decided to give this week's version of Phlashback Phriday a futuristic spin. And in that "phuture" I choose to see Aramis Ramirez sporting the magnificent Phillies pinstripes. I have been floating A-Ram rumors and speculation around the Phillies blogsphere since July and now I'm hoping all my hard work comes to fruition. I have leverage nobody knows about. You all know Corey and I are self proclaimed GM's, but we also hold the power to make this A-Ram pipedream come true.

We've managed to get our grimy mitts on a genie bottle and we are now down to one wish. That wish being SIGN ARAMIS RAMIREZ TO PLAY 3RD BASE! The first two wishes we used up when we were kids. Corey used his wish to add girth to a certain area of his body, and no it's not his ankles but it does rhyme with rock. I used my wish on becoming the world champion in Mario Cart...gosh we were stupid kids! Luckily, we saved our final joint wish until later in our lives where as we're obviously more mature now and not as foolish...who the hell am I kidding?

In all seriousness, A-Ram would be just what the doctor ordered. And Corey is a doctor, so there ya go. A-Ram is a contact hitter, only 63 k's in nearly 600 ab's. He also hits for average, smacks homeruns, and knocks in runners. He had 119 rbi's last season on a dismal Cubs team. He's also had 3 straight season with an OPS above .900...and did I mention he plays 3rd base! So he is the perfect fit for the 5th spot in the lineup. He's only 28 years old and is also improving defensively...he is the answer!

Benjah- it's ok to spread a little man-love when dealing with players as attractive as Aramis Ramirez. Plus he could be added to the list of Phuccos. So without further ado, I present to you the Phillies 2007 starting 3rd baseman and 5-hole hitter...Aramis Ramirez. Just give us the damn World Series rings now, I'll take a size 11.5.

~Carson

Value of Pat Burrell Part Deux

Last week I did a piece on the value of Pat Burrell. I personally think he's a good fit on the Phillies, and am not willing to trade him away for nothing, especially at the expense of eating a portion of his contract. I know my opinion isn't popular with some, as in the comment section of last week's post you were all but calling for his head. Look at it this way, Burrell did us a favor, if he would have accepted that trade to the O's, we'd now have an 18-game loser Rodrigo Lopez on our staff...no thanks! I'd rather have Burrell's near .900 OPS with 29 homeruns and 95 rbi. Keep in mind those numbers were produced on a gimp foot, fragile wrist, and crushed ego. Did Burrell disappoint? Sure.
Does Burrell cause a clog on the basepaths that Drano and Liquid Plumr couldn't fix? Well, yeah. Does he blankly stare at 3rd strikes pass him by with more regularity than Stevie Wonder would? Ok, yes. It's even been suggested that Burrell is not a team player, and does not fit the mold of the new "gritty, go get 'em" Phillies. Fans often complain about his lofty contract which brought on lofty expectation...unfulfilled expectations thus far.

Burrell has other attributes that we're not paying close enough attention to. For example, the Phillies are smart in paying him every pretty penny of that 12 million because he needs it for his night life habits. And don't go thinking Pat's the only one benefiting from a little T&A at the strip club, a happy ending at the massage parlor, or endless amounts of alcohol being gulped at local pubs. Oh no, he lets his friends in on the action too. Rookie Chris Coste is a goofy looking butt-nugget, so Burrell often befriends him for a night out on the town and allows him to use his tab. See that Burrell is a team player, he just gives and gives and gives...just any of the girls at Show & Tell. Burrell is all about having a good time, and that's exactly what he does. He goes out nightly, gets blitzed out of his mind, finds a fine lady, and rattles her cage, then gives her money for a cab afterwards...good man. And you want to trade this playa away?
~Carson

The Way We Were

Jimmy Rollins, Pat Burrell, Jim Thome, and Bobby Abreu were supposed to get the Phillies to the promise land...the playoffs. We're now 13 seasons removed from the last postseason appearance by our beloved band of losers. The '93 season almost seems mythical now. It's like the time you saw your best friend's hot older sister naked in the shower and stored it in your memory bank for those "special alone time" moments...sometimes you wonder if it ever really happened. In 2003 we thought we were the cream of the crop. We already had a strong offensive nucleus of J-Roll, Pat the Bat, and Hey Bobby. Then Ed Wade went and signed Thome to a huge contract and brought in Kevin Millwood to be the staff ace. I still think I have residue smegma from the overjoy of those acquisitions. News flash- we didn't win enough!

Don't get me wrong, the 2000's have been much better than the 90's, because we're at least contending every season now. So, eventually we need to step it up a notch and play some October baseball. That notch will be obtained next season. I like the direction that Gillick is leading this team in. We think Manuel is a dipshit, but at least he has 3 other dipshits surrounding him now, so that collectively they might make 1 decent managerial mind. Gillick kept Moyer who instead of using pine tar to doctor ball, uses the formaldehyde he's half filled with...damn he's old. Next up on Gillick's to-do list is acquire a 3rd baseman that can swing a bat with more authority than a toddler...sorry Nuni, but you're as weak as someone with muscular dystrophy. It's also being rumored PG is trying to cry Wolf...we could do worse for a #5 starter.

It's good to remember the way we were, but also embrace the future as well. Now's the time to be optimistic, because as soon as the season starts there's always the chance to getting smacked in the face with reality again...that reality being we're Philadelphia Phillies fans, who the hell are we foolin'?!

~Carson

Tag Team Tuesdays: Hamels & Moyer

Back with another enthralling edition of Tag Team Tuesdays, and this week I'm giving you a mix of the young and the old. The young being our ace in the making Colbert Hamels, or as we call him Cole. Cole was a rookie at the age of 22 last year and had his share of growing pains. He didn't really start pitching awesome until his mentor, Jaime Moyer, came along. Hamels had an ERA of 2.43 in August and 2.78 in September, both months while the crafty change-up artist Moyer was spitting knowledge into young Hamels' ear. Hamels will most likely be the 1st or 2nd starter next year and is well on his way towards becoming an all-time great Phillies pitcher.
Hamels will continue to progress next season, but if he stays healthy, there's no reason not to predict somewhere in the neighborhood of 15-20 wins with a nice and tidy ERA to boot, because with the seething heater, dropping curve, and halting change-up the sky is the limit with this kid. Not to mention his soon to be wife is fricken hot!

The old as previously mentioned is Sir Jaime Moyer. He's old like my dad, but with a better arm...barely. Seriously, I think Corey can still crank out a pitch faster than this dinosaur. Moyer may soft toss, but he's effective. The Phillies just recently inked the 43 year old to a 2 year cotract extension, I thought only Julio Franco was capable of such things. Moyer will be 45 when the deal expires, but I'm all for keeping him around. Rich "High Times" Dubee is the current pitching coach and quite honestly isn't good for anything besides a supply of ganja, so Moyer is more like the actual coach with Dubee being the frat boy that keeps everyone loose and with the "munchies" (which might explain Lidle's snack habits). There's more to Moyer than his science of pitching, his arm has value too. Moyer isn't a slouch either, he pitched fairly well with the Phils and will be a solid #4/5 starter next season, most teams would love to have him for that. His career 216 wins aren't shabby and 6 consecutive seasons of 200+ innings are nice too.
From this day onward, the tag team of Hamels and Moyer will be referred to as The Strike Force. I went deep into the chasms of WWF history to find a fitting title to match this strike chucking tandem, and hence the homo-ish looking pic of The Strike Force above, or separately Tito "El Matador" Santana and Rick "the Model" Martel...wow!

And who said that wrestlers and frat boys are latently homosexual?

~Carson

Jamie Moyer Is Old

Big news in baseball today. No, not that Kenny Rogers pulled the old "stink palm" on the Cardinals...the Phils signed Jamie Moyer to a two year, $10.5 million contract. Now, because Jamie Moyer was educated on Hawk Hill, and I'm an Explorer, I must by oath and contract hate him. But putting my bias aside, I like this deal. I'm not giddy over it. No, I save giddiness for TiVo'd episodes of America's Next Top Model. For those of you who don't like the move, let me show you what money gets you these days. This stuff makes $5.5 a year to a quality 3-4 starter a bargain.

1) $9 million got you numberous minor league starts and a 5.56 EAR from Randy Wolf this year. It did not get you a mullet or a goatee from Mr. Wolf, which is the most disappointing.
2) $316 thousand got you Gavin Floyd. Another $5.2 mil is worth ensuring he stays in Scranton...errr Ottawa...err Allentown....whatever, he is a Lehigh Valley Gobbler if I ever saw one.
3) $7.25 million got you Mike Lieberthal, a hitting catcher who can't hit, which is ultravaluable.
4) $4.5 million got you H-Mo Bell. Of course, as that R-tard Chris Wheeler would say, he did do "all the little things right."

Anyway, I like the signing. I still would like to see another FA pitcher added, not named Randy Wolf. But that is a topic for after the World Series, when the Hot Stove gets turned on...

Like Muhammad Ali in a game of Jenga...I'm out!

Corey

If Only...

If only the Phillies would have selected Rickey Henderson with one of their first 4 picks in the 1976 draft maybe we could be feeling a whole lot different as sad-sack Phils fans. Perhaps we would be the envy of the 80's and 90's instead of the A's and Yankees. But no, we selected shortstop Jeff Kraus in the first round of the '76 draft. Doesn't that name ring a bell? Well, there's a good reason for that, the poor sock puppet never even played in the Majors. But a little musclebound speedster born on Christmas day did happen to play in the Majors from that same draft and he was chosen in the 4th round and went on to become the best leadoff hitter of all-time, stolen base king, and sure 1st ballot Hall-of-Famer.

Rickey Henderson was dubbed the Man of Steal because he used to knock over coner stores growing up in the hood of Chicago. Or maybe he got that nickname because he stole 1,406 bases in his career with an 81% success rate. To put that in perspective that's about 1,400 more bases than the current Phillies' burner Pat Burrell has stolen in his career...c'mon Pat! Rickey once stole 130 bases in a season ('82), that's more hits than Burrell had last season...dammit Burrell! Stealing bases wasn't all Rickey could do, as he finished his career up with 2,295 runs, 3,055 hits, 297 homeruns, 1,115 rbi, and 2,190 walks, plus a lifetime .401 on base %. Now that's a leadoff man!

So, back to how all this relates to the Phillies. Other than the early 80's and 1993, the Phillies had been a joke. If Rickey Henderson would have been on those squads we might be looking at the not so distant history in a different light. Instead of the Yankees and A's dominating most of the postseasons, it could have been our beloved Phillies instead. Maybe the Phils would be the toast of the town, and the marquee baseball team of popularity around America and the world instead of the f'n Yanks. Maybe we'd have a few more name placards on the World Series Trophy instead of 1 in our 123 years of existence. Maybe we wouldn't be such a fricken laughing stock! If only...

~Carson

*This post is dedicated to Corey, as Rickey was his favorite player growing up. I remember he had posters of him on his wall even up through high school...good stuff. Happy birthday bro!

Phillies Phlashback SaPHurday / Poll

Yeah, I know the Phlashback is Phriday, but I want to acknowledge one of those great former Phillies on more than one day a week. Today, we should remember that great Phillies closer, Billy Wagner.

Wagner just finished a stellar postseason with the Mets. He had a 9.53 ERA, giving up 5 runs in the last 1 2/3 innings pitched, including a game seven ninth inning were the Mets went with Aaron Heilmen (who gave up a 2 run game losing jack) instead of Wagner. Frankly, I couldn't be happier. As Pat Burrell put it, Wagner is a Rat. He's a little girl who only can pitch in May. His late season blown saves (along with Cholly's retardedness) cost the Phillies a postseason appearance last year, and I haven't forgiven him. To make matters worse, the hillbilly alpaca farmer opens his giant yapper and calls out the team...the same team he ruins with his tiny testicles and 80 MPH September fastball.

So, in honor of Billy the Rat, this week's poll is dedicated to current players, who are former Phillies, that you just want to make a fist and smack in the jaw. Which of these players would you most like to punch in the face?

1) Billy Wagner - Big mouth. Small sack. Runs to NY to escape his failure. Fails there too. Needs to be hit.

2) Bobby Abreu - I posed this question to my wife, who admittedly is not the biggest baseball fan, and she said she would "punch Bobby Abreu, because he sucked with the Phillies this year then was awesome with the Yankees." I can't make a better argument. Although Carson doesn't agree, Bobby A moped around RF, was lazier than [insert inappropriate analogy here], refused other assignments (CF, leadoff), and never lived up to his potential. That is worth a bitch slap or two.

3) Scott Rolen - Oh, what a whinny little girl. He wanted the Phillies to spend more, then rejected their rather large contract offer. He always saw himself as bigger than the team, while defending his position with shallow and hollow quotes about his concern for the future of the team. Fact is, he's an H-mo. Now, his team is in the Series, he's hurt, and he's fighting with Tony LaRussa. That is great. Very fitting. Bad news is, there are rumors (or rumours, as they say in England) that he may come back to Philly. Well, easier to hit someone in-state...otherwise, stay in the Show Me State, Scottie.

4) JD Drew - if only one of those C batteries would have caught him in the temple, causing a skull fracture, subdural bleed, maybe a coma or two. We all know the story of JD Fag, no need to rehash those bad memories. Just think of your fist on his face. Mmmmmmm, tasty.

Who would you like to punch? Billy Wagner Scott Rolen Bobby Abreu JD Drew

--------------------
Malt Liquor
Carson brought up Olde E malt liquor in the blog yesterday. I'm somewhat of a malt aficionado. My favorite malt memories...that I can remember...are the St. Ides commercials. Here is one of my favorites.

Go Penn State.

Corey